Mahal Ko ang Kaibigan Ko

          19 years old ako nung time na yun. Mayroon akong kababata na guy. Hindi naman kmi talaga close. At minsan nung bata pa kmi naiinis ako sa kanya kase lagi niya hinihiram gameboy ko. Sa iisang church lang kmi nag sisimba kaya kmi nag ka kilala. Bata pa kmi nag time nato pero years later. galing ako ng manila. Umuwi ako samin nung nag e end na ung school year. Nung nag church ako pag ka Sunday dun ko siya ulit nakita. Usap dito usap doon. Kahit papano I felt na he was excited to see. And he was a changed person. Tumangkad siya at gumwapo pa. and well medyo I felt something for him that time. Gusto ko siya. Mabait siya sakin at ako din sa kanya. He really wanted me to be his friend kase hindi niya daw ko nakikita na nakikipag friends sa mga guys kaya siya daw ang una guy friend ko. Okey naman ako sa ganun. To make the story short naging close kmi to that point where we are sleeping in the same bed. Pero I never dared to touch him or showed any motive that I like him. I respect him at ayaw ko din naman na maputol friendship namin sa katangahan ko. Lagi na siya samin nag e stay lalo na pag walo siya pasok. Nung mga time na yun nafeel ko na baka gusto niya din ako at nag hihintay lang siya sakin din to make the first move. Hanggang sa nga lakas loob ako na sabihin sa kanya ang naaramdaman ko. I was waiting for the right time. And malapit na birthday niya. Sabi ko sa bday niya sasabihin ko lahat. When I ask him na sa house siya mag celebrate nag ok siya. Tapos that time din ako lang sa bahay kasi nag out of town parents ko tas mga kapatid ko sa skul may mga overnight. So sabi ko perfect timing talaga. Nag luto me food. Soup tsaka ulam. Kanin. Tsaka drinks. Well dumating siya mga 8pm. Tapos  we celebrated at kumain.. niligpit mga food. Tapos sabi niya sa sala tayo matulog. So daladala ko din dun foam ko tsaka mga unan. Nung nandun na kmi habang inaayos ko beddings namin. Tumayo siya sa upuan tas sabi niya. Okey lang ba na maghubad ako dito. Kasi Christian kmi and medyo strict kind yung church naming. So I I said to him ok. You can take your shirt off. Pero deep inside me di ko alam kug ano iisipin kase feeling ko nang seseduce siya. Kase never naman siya nag shishirtless kahit kmi lang dalawa. Tapos he went sa harap ng mirror and he kept checking his muscle and all. Tas he was asking me kung maganda katawan niya. Ako naman ok lang ng ok. Kunyari wala lang. tapos nahiga kmi naka short lang siya. Tas he begun talking. Talking and talking. Tapos naalala ko na may sasabihin pala ko sa kanya. So sabi ko.

“may gusto sana kong sabihin sayo”

Sabi niya. “ako nga din meron din sasabihin. pero Matagal ko na to tinatago.”

Nagulat ako.

Well sabi ko ikaw nalang mauna sa sasabihin mo. Pinilit niya ako na ako din daw mauna. Pero sa huli napapayag ko siya na siya mag sabi. Tas bigla siya nag drama. Maasahan niya daw ko na kaibigan and all. Akala ko magtatapat siya. Tapos bigla niya minention girlfriend niya. Nagulat ako. Sabi ko bakit ano nangyari sa GF mo. Bigla nyang sabi. Buntis siya. Pag sabi niyang ganun. Nanlamig ako. Di ako makagalaw di ko alam gagawin ko magkatabi lang kmi sa higaan pero feeling ko biglang hindi ko na siya maabot o malapitan o maramdaman. Di ko talaga alam sasabihin ko kase hindi ito ung ini expect ko. After a few seconds na tahimik kmi. Sabi ko. “mahal mo ba siya”. Sabi niya “oo mahal na mahal ko, at ayaw ko na ipahulog ang bata at paninindigan ko siya”. (big deal ang pagkabuntis ng hindi nakakasal kase sa church namin dahil sa bible fornication yun, kasalanan sa Diyos yun.) and dami niya explanation agad kung bakit nangyari lahat at humihingi siya ng advice on what to do para masabi niya sa lahat(chuchmate, family, friends) na naka buntis siya. Nung mga moment na yun. patay na ilaw.  Tumutulo na luha ko pero nakikinig padin ako sa kanya ang I tried to sound ok. Kahit na hindi ko na kaya. He was so good to me the past few months kase sakin niya gusto unang sabihin lahat ng  nangyari sa kanila ng GF niya. Parang naging shock absorber niya ako that time. And the he thank me kase daw di ako nag react ng masama. Nung natapos na siya sa mga sinasabi niya. Tinanong niya ako. Ano nga pala yung sasabihin mo din dapat sakin. Nung time nayun nawala na lahat sa plano ko ang mga dapat mangyari. Pinilit niya ako kase unfair daw pag di ko sinabi. Binibitin ko daw siya. Well sinabi ko na silahis ako and I had relationship with guys in the past. And that is my sercret of secrets. He did advice me about many things kung panu ma overcome pagiging bisexual. He even said “sama ka lagi sakin”  para daw matuto naman ako kung ano mga trip ng guys. Then bago kmi matulog he said to me. “I trust you.” Well gets ko na yun. May trust siya sakin kahit na alam niya na bi ko. Na kahit mag katabi kmi walang mangyayari. I never failed him. Pero I failed myself that night. Expecting the wrong expectations. It hurt me a lot. Kahit ngayon I still think of it. He never knew what I felt for him.  He was like one of my biggest mistake when it comes to love. He was so good to me but it was all because I’m also a good friend to him. Nothing more. Ngayon malaki na baby nila mag 3 years old na. until now we’re sill good friends. He works as a seamen. His wife sa hotel nag wowork. Good friends din kmi ng wife niya. Marami siya kinukwento sakin everytime na bababa siya ng barko. Pero how I wish na sana someday makwento ko din sa kanya kung ano talaga ang dapat kung sasabihin nung gabing yun. I’m not expecting anymore from him na magiging iba pagtingin niya sakin. Special ako sa kanya alam ko pero bilang kaiibigan na special. He once told me nung nag cha chat kmi nung nasa barko siya. That he wanted to my best man we I get married and he will even pay for the wedding just to my best man. Pabiro lang yun pero I know he only wants the best for me and the right things. There was this moment. Nung first na sakay niya international na barko. He was so happy about it. Nung araw ng flight niya. Dumaan siya sa bahay.  At ako naman nasa banyo. Napaka wrong timing talaga. Pero kumatok siya. Sabi niya sa pinto nalang tayo mag usap. Then he told me. “ikaw na bahala sa mag ina ko ha”. I just smiled and said “ok I will take care of them.” And nag paalam na siya. I did organize their wedding. Since yung papa ko nagkasal sa kanila. Pastor pala papa ko. Nung nag hihintay nas siya ng flight niya sa airport. He texted me. Salahat daw ng nagawa for him. Ano daw ba gusto ko na dadalhin niya pag uwi nia balik ng pinas sakin. Pabiro ko sinabi. Katawan mo at katarungan. He just laugh. Then he replied. Sayang, I will give it to you talaga pero taken na ko eh..nung valentines. We chat din. Pinapa explain niya sakin meaning ng colors ng roses. Ako naman explain ng explain. Tapos sabi niya favor naman. Can you give my wife 3 white rose  on day of valentines. Because I wanted her to feel that I’m sill there kahit na wala ako dyan. Nung valentines day din ako bumili ng rose. At sa gulat ko ang mahal pala. Hay. Pab ibig nga naman oh. But I still bought it not for her wife to be happy but for him to be happy. i don’t know if I can even say no to him. I wish I can.

Eto ang kwento ng buhay pag ibig ko. Di man talaga matatawag na pag ibig kasi di naman naging kmi.

Pero sa lahat ng nangyari happy ako. Dahil naging malaking parte ako ng buhay niya na hanggang ngayon ipinasasalamat niya pa din. At ako naman thankful na din sa friendship namin.  Cguro kung pagbabasehan natin ang bibliya eto yung love na sinasabi niya na hindi humihingi ng kapalit. Hindi din nag seselos o nagagalit. Basta nagmamahal lang. kahit ano mangyari nag mamahal padin.

Friends with Benefits

My story is about my present love life.

We met at the church. by that time he was not yet a worker (the catholics call it sakritan something or "katakista" dunno if the spelling is right) just an ordinary member. Originally this guys is from Mindanao, Lake Sebu daw lugar nila. Nung first time ko siya makita mahiyain siya. when he was introduced to me he just smiled He was also new to the church so he doesnt know people yet.. And ako naman well known ako sa church nayun kase my father helped their pastor when the church is at pioneering stage. So lagi kmi sa church na yun before. I attended their friday service that time kaya ko siya nakita ang napakilala sakin. the moment when he was introduced to me i knew that time that i like him. pero dedma xempre. we were just accuainted people not really friends. but i cant get him out of my mind. like from time to time i will suddenly remember him. but i never let my feeling take over me since i know that having a special relationship with him is impossible. He's straight. he's hadsome. chubby nga lang. then months past he became a worker of the church. he was devoted to serving the Lord. so he stayed in the church parsonage. every time i and my brother visit the city we spend a night in the church to mingle with friends and catch up with their lives. but this guy is always interested in talking to me. i just get along and never put any meaning to it. tapos time came that i studied in a korean bible school and we were classmates. actually one of the reason i studied in that school kahit na it's like 2hours travel from our house was because of him. after like one month i decided to stay in the church in the city to save time, money and travel effort. so in short magkasama na kmi. nung mga time na yun. dun ko nalaman na may rumored boyfriend siya sa chrurch at yung BF niya daw may girlfriend and these stories came out kase na discover ni girl ang special treatment ng BF nya sa guy na to. to make the story short nabulabog mga tao dahil pareho sila lalake. at si girl may influence sa church kaya hindi rin basta basta. this guy found me as his shocked absorber. buhusan ng luha at sama ng loob. i just get along and never did showed any motive that i like him. nor did i take that situations to be my starting point of revealing my true feelings. i was like his only friend that time. kase di pa nakakaclarify mga kwento kaya parang napasama siya sa ibang tao. at na issuehan na bisexual. but i played my part as a good friend. everything was settled when their pastor mediate to the situation, painful feelings subsided, everything started to comeback to what it has been before but his rumored BF never talk to him anymore. they seperated. they never talk nor greeted each other on the way. that time he became more dependent to me when it comes to his emotional probem. our friendly relationship grew deeper. and i started to show my care and love for him. i brought him food o kaya naman treat him sa mall. but i never croosed the line of friendship to lovers. we were closer than before. but theres just one thing i dont understand. he never text or call me. and when i text him he always has reasons kung bakit di siya pwede mag text. or if i call him. he's always in a hurry na ibaba yung tawag. i know that he's ok when i'm around but when i'm not it seems that he don't cared. but still i pretended everything was alright with me. then one time i forgot what happened that night but dun siya natulog sa tabi ko. edi ako wala lang dedma. so natulog kmi. nung madaling araw na. i felt something heavy sa baba ko. antok na antok ako nun kaya hinayaan ko lang. then nagulat ako na hinawakan niya sakin. xempre ang normal reaction is titigas diba. kaya nagising ako. but i pretended im asleep kasi baka magkahiyaan kmi in the morning. i took his hand off my thing pasimple lang ako. pero nilagay niya ulit. it happened twice that night. i cant believe that he will do the first move. pero i'm so weak to respond to anything. hay. nung umaga na. dedma lahat as if wala daw nangyari. pero feel ko that time na medyo nahihiya siya sakin. to make the story short the next na gabi ulit. ginawa na naman niya yun. kaya parang na confirm ko that he want me. pero nung morning dedma ulit lahat. ang weak ko talaga kasi hindi na naman me nag respond. nung 3night na. niyaya niya ako na sa kuarto niya daw ako matutulog. ako naman xempre i wanna take my chances pumayag din. tapos nakahiga na kmi. as in ang sikip pa kase maliit kama niya. nung natulog na kmi. he did it again. this time he never pretended na tulog siya. he touched me. at ako naman i responded with a kiss sa lips. we both know na gising kmi pero hindi kmi nag uusap. mga 2 minutes yung moment na yun. then bigla siya tumayo. at umalis sa kama . he left me hanging. loko talaga. as in kung kelan nag umpisa na umalis siya wala man lang ka rason rason. pumunta siya malapit sa entrance ng church. tas sinilip ko siya, he was crying that time. so hindi nako nag bother na lapitan pa. pero ako sa sarili ko. medyo nag sisi ako kung bakit ko ginawa din yun. malabo talaga lahat nung gabing yun. the next morning hindi ko kaya mga nagyari umalis ako pumunta ako sa bahay ng close friend ko at dun ako nag breakfast. then nag ring yung phone ko. it was him calling me. sabi niya. i prepared a breakfast for you. kala ko kasi tulog kapa. yun pala wala kana. i felt a little sad kase alam ko nag e effort na siya. tapos, yun na start na lahat. hindi ko siya official boyfriend. pero sobra pa kmi sa mag ka relasyon. nag dedate kmi lagi. ang lahat sinasabi niya sakin. my GF siya. meron din ako. pero never na ulit nangyari ang mga bagay na yun kahit na magtabi kmi matulog. dun ko na understand ang love beyond sexual desires. hanggang ngayon we always see each other. malayo nako sa kanya like mga 40 minutes travel. kase we transfered na ng bahay dahil sa work ni papa. pero intact padin lahat sa relasyon namin. on my part naman. mas happy ako kase alam ko we will never have break ups. di din siya pwede mag tampo. at ganun din ako sa kanya. what we have is something i treasure. alam namin limits namin. he was a special friend to me. and i to him.

hehehe yun lang kwento ko. i felt contented kahit papanu.

at masaya ako na na eexpressed ko dito ang other side ng buhay ko.